Father's Day Cards Are the Epitome of Evil

I was shopping for the perfect card for my wonderful dad for Father's Day yesterday only to find a gruesome reminder. I hate Father's Day cards. They are officially the worst cards of any holiday. I think all the people making cards for this Hallmark holiday decided to take their own holiday from intelligence, hiatus from creativity, if you will.

The cards I observed can be classified by having one of the following characteristics:
• Beer
• Obesity/Fatness
• Golf/Fishing
• Carpentry
• Insults

The card I was most tempted to buy for my dad had a picture of a fat guy holding a fish and on the inside it said, "I saw all those schmultzy cards, but I kept coming back to that one with the fat guy holding the big fish." I liked it because it didn't imply my father was fat, lazy, or an asshole. I liked it because it had nothing to do with Father's Day.

I even saw one card that said, "All those times you had reason to run away... thanks for not leaving, Dad." THAT'S NOT FUNNY. It's sick. I think that the terrorists that we need to neutralize are the idiots that "think" up Father's Day cards. They are the reasons that fathers all around the world can be aggressive, angry, and possibly cause domestic disturbances. If we had funny, fresh, and clever Father's Day cards, the world would no doubt be a better place. Forget cards... Happy Father's Day!