More Companies Should Make Guitars

I think that Yahoo! and Google and many other companies should start making guitars. Today I was at a guitar store, played a beautiful Jackson guitar with EMG humbucker pickups that screamed like a promiscuous raccoon and while I was illuminated in the sound of rock, one of the guitarsketeers told me that Jackson had been bought by Fender. This made me think that more companies should get in on guitar making and have some clever ideas.

For example, Yahoo! was the first popular free web-based email service, so a Yahoo brand guitar would most likely be a guitar with telepathic networking abilities. There can either be a walkie-talkie built in to talk to other people, or you could send messages through sexy guitar riffs. Something told in Dm would be sad such as a breakup, an embarassing story about what you got your penis caught in, or what happened to the neighbor's pet "accidentally."

Google, being foremostly popular for their comprehensive seach engine could make a guitar with a screen that searches for the tabs of songs that you want to learn how to play. Now when I want to get laid while playing my Google SN (Super Nerd) guitar, I can search for the tab for Wonderwall by Oasis and cause bodily fluids to be exerted.

Garmin could create a guitar with a built-in GPS system that can tell you your exact location and which songs were written in your near vicinity. Strangely, your Garmin FuckTomTomocaster has discovered that "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" ~ Right Said Fred was actually written in your basement. I know it's kind of creepy, but I guess someone was too sexy for their shirt in your house. I'm not gonna name names but I think it was probably Steve.

Lastly, Microsoft would of course make a knockoff guitar that featured an attempted (and failed) smaller feature of the other companies built-in that would seldom work. For example, the messaging system needs to check for updates, the search engine only finds speeches from Bill Gates, and the GPS always tells you to go up. I don't know why up. It's hard to go straight up from most places if you don't have a ladder. Lastly, the Microsoft Squire guitar would need constant patches for a self-deteriorating wood that it's made from. The Microsoft Squire will also be the cheapest guitar, so beginners will buy it as a shitty practice guitar.

But of course the best guitar would be made by the Sharper Image. Cuz no shit. Best stuff is from the Sharper Image. It will have alien technology and nanomachines and it will cure cancer, swine flu, the bad economy, and my lack of love life with one strum of its superfibrosis coated steel strings. I really want to play Cowboys from Hell on that guitar. Epic.