100 Ways to Not Get Laid

Here are 100 things to do if you don't want to get laid:

1. quote Furbys
2. reminisce about middle school
3. punch a woman*
4. say a girl looks "fat, but pretty"
5. ride a Razor scooter
6. say "I just came" as soon as you meet a girl
7. use binoculars
8. say "That's what she said," in response to whatever she says
9. force a Nazi chick to watch "Schindler's List"
10. sniff a glue stick
11. say "no" if a girl asks if you want to have sex
12. be creative with pliers
13. dedicate a heavy metal song to a girl**
14. mention which animals turn you on most
15. cry
16. ask for a 3 way with an imaginary friend
17. admit to liking Jar Jar Binks
18. be a clown
19. writing a love poem template and filling in a girl's name
20. give a girl some change and say you're paying her in advance
21. mention the band Slipknot***, Hoobastank, or Creed
22. say you have a tiny penis
23. say you don't have a penis
24. make a USB vs. Firewire joke
25. speak Esperanto
26. be in her bed waiting and uninvited
27. play her the song "Shackler's Revenge" ~ Guns N' Roses
28. whip out a 20-sided die and say something based on the number you roll
29. fart a song****
30. say "I don't know what are bigger, you're ears or your tits"
31. claiming to have an "invisible-feeling" condom
32. act out Tim Burton movies during foreplay
33. be celibate
34. mention wanting to start a family on the first date
35. play Rock Band excessively
36. say you think a girl would look better in 1080p
37. give a body part as a gift (detached)
38. make a shrine of a girl*****
39. key your own car
40. even think about a golden shower
41. own fuzzy coat hangers
42. take a girl to San Francisco and set her up to get scared by the Bush Man
43. say "hella" in Southern California
44. challenge a girl to a peeing for distance contest
45. justify that your mom thinks you're handsome, cool, etc.
46. say that you relate to C-3PO more than any other Star Wars character
47. use a plastic bag as a form of persuasion
48. ask a girl "does this smell like chloroform to you?"******
49. say a girl looks a lot like your cousin
50. Spam
51. tell a girl you've had a better lay from your grandmother
52. claim to be a sex ninja. girls know there's obviously no such thing and that you're a liar
53. never blink
54. start a "privately-funded" wet t-shirt contest
55. own a squishy boob mousepad
56. stalk girls
57. have a tradition of going to Hooters
58. considering the thought of the possibility of getting a coinpurse piercing
59. dirty talk to a girl while speaking in baby talk
60. make a mixtape of every song you own with the word "death" in the title
61. use cassette tapes at all
62. beg to play strip Dungeons & Dragons
63. say "you had me at stop following me"
64. buy a girl a thong that has a green circle and says "Easy"
65. buy a girl an article of clothing that is too big
66. make a porn flip book (and flip through it in slow motion while narrating it)*****
67. have a female orgasm sound as your text or ring tone
68. get frisky with computer accessories
69.
70. read Playboy for the articles
71. suck really badly at guitar
72. wear the same shirt 5 days consecutively*******
73. make up a lame story
74. make a shrinky dink of her face
75. wear a fanny pack (and keep it stocked with dirt)
76. challenge a girl to a one-on-one game of Apples to Apples
77. be bulimic
78. eat used chapstick (and possibly contract an STD)
79. photoshop a girl's face onto the Disaster Movie poster
80. skinny dip at a child's birthday party
81. sneeze in a pitch two octaves above middle C
82. start bleeding out of random places*******
83. frolic through a random person's garden
84. perform an acoustic ballad version of any song by Linkin Park
85. believe that it's not butter
86. swear in Klingon
87. mispronounce the girl's first name********
88. have a skeleton in your closet... literally
89. read this entire list and seductively tell a girl you did
90. find out how many rubber bands you can wrap around your dick
91. scream "I piss excellence" whenever in a crowd of 10 or more people
92. get sprayed by a skunk*******
93. choke a bitch
94. take numerous pictures of her and don't upload them to facebook
95. shave your entire body except for some mutton chops
96. put pesticides on your dick
97. ask a girl awkward questions and hold up cue cards of how you want her to answer
98. cunt punt
99. be lazy********

*doesn't always fail
**sometimes works, but never the right kind of girl
***if she responds well to Slipknot, that's a bad thing
****only works if farting "Wonderwall" ~ Oasis
*****unless you're very artistically gifted
******probably lowers your chance if smelled subject isn't actually chloroform
*******doesn't work if she's really into you
********may not work if perceived as cute and/or clever