LukeWARMER!!!

In case you haven't been enlightened to the comedy genius that is Lukewarmer, let me say on behalf of the whole band (literally) "take a seat, have some hot cocoa with marshmallows, and prepare to laugh your ass completely off." Lukewarmer is a rock/rap/metal/folk comedy duo consisting of Chapman film students Zander DeNador and Greg Fonda (Gory, if Soto is reading this).

The epic and ever-unfolding tale of Lukewarmer began one night when going to a party. Zander (yes, I'm going to tell this in the third person) was told by one of his fellow compadres that the party they were attending was a B.Y.O.C. You see, Zander knew that B.Y.O.B. stood for Bring Your Own Booze (or the less common Bring Your Own Buddy at TGIFriday's) and assumed that the C must stand for Cake! Zander, of course, was sadly mistaken. The "C" longingly stood for "chaser," not even close to the glorious notion of a pastry. But something happened that night that would change the lives of many forever...

"B.Y.O.Cake!" Zander and Greg sang the whole way to the party. Non-stop, passionate, and full of love of comedy and music. "Cuz I got a big penis and I like to use it so much," Greg uttered. And that was the birth of Lukewarmer's first hit single, "B.Y.O.Cake!" The band has endured trying times and turbulance since their legendary forming, but has plans to create a lot of music this year. Such concepts include "Less Soft, More Core," a song about how badass unicorns are, "Bad Assass Hole," "Homewrecker," "The Third Wheel," and "That's So Uncooked."

Lukewarmer has also dabbled in the art of song mash-ups with their uncanny mash-up of the song "E-Pro" ~ Beck with itself. The project, entitled "E-Pro vs. E-Pro" is basically the same song with more nonsense, more guitar, more na-na's, and has been reviewed as "actually way better than the original," and others have boldly stated, "I don't think I can listen to the original version again." Look out world. There's a new comedy band. LukeWARMER!!!

100 Ways to Not Get Laid

Here are 100 things to do if you don't want to get laid:

1. quote Furbys
2. reminisce about middle school
3. punch a woman*
4. say a girl looks "fat, but pretty"
5. ride a Razor scooter
6. say "I just came" as soon as you meet a girl
7. use binoculars
8. say "That's what she said," in response to whatever she says
9. force a Nazi chick to watch "Schindler's List"
10. sniff a glue stick
11. say "no" if a girl asks if you want to have sex
12. be creative with pliers
13. dedicate a heavy metal song to a girl**
14. mention which animals turn you on most
15. cry
16. ask for a 3 way with an imaginary friend
17. admit to liking Jar Jar Binks
18. be a clown
19. writing a love poem template and filling in a girl's name
20. give a girl some change and say you're paying her in advance
21. mention the band Slipknot***, Hoobastank, or Creed
22. say you have a tiny penis
23. say you don't have a penis
24. make a USB vs. Firewire joke
25. speak Esperanto
26. be in her bed waiting and uninvited
27. play her the song "Shackler's Revenge" ~ Guns N' Roses
28. whip out a 20-sided die and say something based on the number you roll
29. fart a song****
30. say "I don't know what are bigger, you're ears or your tits"
31. claiming to have an "invisible-feeling" condom
32. act out Tim Burton movies during foreplay
33. be celibate
34. mention wanting to start a family on the first date
35. play Rock Band excessively
36. say you think a girl would look better in 1080p
37. give a body part as a gift (detached)
38. make a shrine of a girl*****
39. key your own car
40. even think about a golden shower
41. own fuzzy coat hangers
42. take a girl to San Francisco and set her up to get scared by the Bush Man
43. say "hella" in Southern California
44. challenge a girl to a peeing for distance contest
45. justify that your mom thinks you're handsome, cool, etc.
46. say that you relate to C-3PO more than any other Star Wars character
47. use a plastic bag as a form of persuasion
48. ask a girl "does this smell like chloroform to you?"******
49. say a girl looks a lot like your cousin
50. Spam
51. tell a girl you've had a better lay from your grandmother
52. claim to be a sex ninja. girls know there's obviously no such thing and that you're a liar
53. never blink
54. start a "privately-funded" wet t-shirt contest
55. own a squishy boob mousepad
56. stalk girls
57. have a tradition of going to Hooters
58. considering the thought of the possibility of getting a coinpurse piercing
59. dirty talk to a girl while speaking in baby talk
60. make a mixtape of every song you own with the word "death" in the title
61. use cassette tapes at all
62. beg to play strip Dungeons & Dragons
63. say "you had me at stop following me"
64. buy a girl a thong that has a green circle and says "Easy"
65. buy a girl an article of clothing that is too big
66. make a porn flip book (and flip through it in slow motion while narrating it)*****
67. have a female orgasm sound as your text or ring tone
68. get frisky with computer accessories
69.
70. read Playboy for the articles
71. suck really badly at guitar
72. wear the same shirt 5 days consecutively*******
73. make up a lame story
74. make a shrinky dink of her face
75. wear a fanny pack (and keep it stocked with dirt)
76. challenge a girl to a one-on-one game of Apples to Apples
77. be bulimic
78. eat used chapstick (and possibly contract an STD)
79. photoshop a girl's face onto the Disaster Movie poster
80. skinny dip at a child's birthday party
81. sneeze in a pitch two octaves above middle C
82. start bleeding out of random places*******
83. frolic through a random person's garden
84. perform an acoustic ballad version of any song by Linkin Park
85. believe that it's not butter
86. swear in Klingon
87. mispronounce the girl's first name********
88. have a skeleton in your closet... literally
89. read this entire list and seductively tell a girl you did
90. find out how many rubber bands you can wrap around your dick
91. scream "I piss excellence" whenever in a crowd of 10 or more people
92. get sprayed by a skunk*******
93. choke a bitch
94. take numerous pictures of her and don't upload them to facebook
95. shave your entire body except for some mutton chops
96. put pesticides on your dick
97. ask a girl awkward questions and hold up cue cards of how you want her to answer
98. cunt punt
99. be lazy********

*doesn't always fail
**sometimes works, but never the right kind of girl
***if she responds well to Slipknot, that's a bad thing
****only works if farting "Wonderwall" ~ Oasis
*****unless you're very artistically gifted
******probably lowers your chance if smelled subject isn't actually chloroform
*******doesn't work if she's really into you
********may not work if perceived as cute and/or clever

A Friendly Rant About: Trees

When reminiscing about the bubbling delight of an actress, Zooey Deschanel, I was informed that even her endearing charm couldn't save the terrible film, "The Happening." I told my friend two things. One is that "The Happening" is a happening that won't be happening in my life. Ever. The other is that that movie gives trees a bad name. It basically says that trees can fuck up humanity, but in the context of such a horrible film, it is hard to take the brute killing force of trees seriously.

So, my friends, I decided that trees are a large part of nature that go very under appreciated in today's society. Not only do trees provide oxygen (kind of important or whatever), shade, and occasionally coconuts, but they provide joy to the people who gaze upon them. They can take up entire forests, or they can be lone wolves on the side of a highway. Yes, I'm referring to you, Jerry Bruckheimer tree, which I saw on Highway 5. In some lands trees come to life and fight battles. Such lands would include Middle East. Earth* [Note to self: Does Middle Earth = Middle East... interesting.]

A group that I truly respect for their obvious knowledge and praise of trees is the rock band, Rush (aka the Holy Trinity). Rush wrote a song entitled "The Trees," which although is not very clever in being mysterious about the lyrical acumen, the title is definintely concise and to the point. The song is about the everlasting battle between the oaks and maples about who gets more sunlight and shennanigans that ensue.

I've always wondered how plants can be considered alive. I understand that they can photosynthesize the fuck out of the sun, but trees don't move, speak, jimp (scratch that. That's totally what sap is), patronize, pretend, or really do anything interesting. I have some acquaintances that would bore me more than a day "chillaxin'" with trees, but trees, although magnificent, monstrous, and illustrous, are actually kind of boring. Sorry, trees. I still think you're cool.

The Worst Mash-up Ever

I think it can officially be said that I created the worst mash-up video ever. I discovered that when mashing up songs and their videos, it is usually a better idea to mash up songs that sound similar or have a similar rhythm or at least sound similar. My favorite mash-ups, personally, are those which sound similar yet are about very different topics. Such examples include "Britney's Massive Hole," a surprisingly good combination of Muse's Supermassive Black Hole and some song by Britney Spears (I don't think that part really matters.) Another great example is the mash-up of Soulja Boy Tell 'em's "Crank Dat" and Devo's "Whip It."

I, of course, took the opposite route. I fell in love with the Lonely Islands' "I'm on a Boat" and I loved the fact that Muse filmed the music video for "Starlight" on a boat. For some reason, this notion to my brain that a mash-up video of the two songs would be a good idea. I called it "I'm on a Starlight Boat" quite cleverly. The song basically goes back and forth cussing about being on a boat, then singing falsetto about never wanting to let you go. It is appauling. The one good line is "I'll never let you go... ON A BOAT MUTHAFUCKA!" But nonetheless, if people have a hard time watching an entire mash-up video, you know you probably have a steaming pile of disgusting on your hands. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and don't publicly release such filth.

If you are curious enough to watch "I'm on a Starlight Boat," just ask and I'll show you my mash-upterpiece.

Tip of the Day #2

If God gives you lemons, say you're a prophet due to having interaction with God and create a religion that will make you millions. As for the lemons, I personally would squirt them in the eyes of treasonous, blasphemous non-believers until they get annoyed and join your religion. Or you could make lemonaide* if you enjoy such a tasty, crisp, and refreshing beverage.

*Lemonaide - n. - the beverage served at my family reunion in summer of '08

That's So Zander?

Maybe I'm overthinking this whole blog thing. Or maybe I'm just overthinking in general. The title of this blog is of course, "That's So Zander." I don't post everyday because I usually want to have some sort of epiphany about the world and the ironies of living on it before writing. But what I realized is that I am Zander and that whatever I say should be "so Zander." Why am I overthinking writing that no matter what I write will still be "totally Zander" or even perhaps "completely Zander." I am Zander, hear me guffaw. The obligatory deep and ponderous feelings I'm attempting to convey are those of living up to a legacy of myself. I don't really know what that legacy is, but I was referred to by someone I've never met as "Chapman Zander -- the guy with the super long hair." My hair preceeds me as does my name.

I think of famousness as a fraction. [The amount of people that know you] / [The amount of people you know]. I've noticed that due to parties, this number can be very shaky, due to intoxicants causing people to not remember others as well. The strange factor is that Zander on a scale from Mercury to Awesome is apparently memorable enough that black out victims somehow manage to remember me. I don't know if it's me, the hair, the name, or perhaps a modest combination of the three.

The point of the matter is that I have no idea what my point is. In all honesty, this blog really has no purpose. No meaning. It's just what's on my mind at the time and what of my bizarre and illustrious thoughts happen to make it into typed form. [Most of you wouldn't have known I was thinking about baseball bazookas, but now you do.] What I'm saying is that things don't always need a story, a plot, or even direction. It's what you like or dislike and what makes you happy. If this blog has made one person besides myself happy, I'll consider myself a success. If it didn't, don't worry, I really don't expect anyone to read this anyways. I am me. You are you. I am Zander. End of story.

Tip of the Day #1

If someone refers to a movie by the acronym "P.O.T.C." it is better to assume they are referring to "Pirates of the Caribbean" as opposed to "Passion of the Christ."

Ticket, Grip it, and Rip it

As many of you know, I just started working at a local movie theater. Overall, I really like the job. The people working there are really cool, everything has a schedule (meaning it's not like selling stuff that has random lulls), and I get to see an entirely different view of the film industry... Not that this job has much to do with being a film major. But either way, there are some entertaining things about working at the theater.

One of those is cleaning theaters. I say this because you never know when you'll find a hidden treasure. On my very first day working as an "usher," I found an unopened box of Whoppers in a seat. I can honestly say I now know why people strive to become archaeologists. Striking that amazing find, even if it's a box of nasty chocolate candies, is quite the adrenaline rush. I also like how peaceful and removed the cleaning of theaters is compared to the busy and constantly smiling nature of tearing tickets.

I feel like I should copyright the phrase "Ticket, grip it, and rip it," because it makes my job sounds badass. Overall, I tell people where to go to their theater and to enjoy the show. Most people seem to have difficulty locating their theater, so I feel useful. Some comments I hear from people are amusing. For example, I tell them "Enjoy the movie," and they respond, "You too!" I don't know what to say to that. Seriously. What do you say to that? I'll enjoy standing here?

Whatever the case, I enjoy getting paid and seeing people and genuinely making people smile and get excited for a movie. There have been countless times that people come up to me looking down and all I do is give them a little smile and enthusiasm, maybe a compliment, and I feel like I helped brighten their days. It's all in a day's work... for the movie guy.

More Companies Should Make Guitars

I think that Yahoo! and Google and many other companies should start making guitars. Today I was at a guitar store, played a beautiful Jackson guitar with EMG humbucker pickups that screamed like a promiscuous raccoon and while I was illuminated in the sound of rock, one of the guitarsketeers told me that Jackson had been bought by Fender. This made me think that more companies should get in on guitar making and have some clever ideas.

For example, Yahoo! was the first popular free web-based email service, so a Yahoo brand guitar would most likely be a guitar with telepathic networking abilities. There can either be a walkie-talkie built in to talk to other people, or you could send messages through sexy guitar riffs. Something told in Dm would be sad such as a breakup, an embarassing story about what you got your penis caught in, or what happened to the neighbor's pet "accidentally."

Google, being foremostly popular for their comprehensive seach engine could make a guitar with a screen that searches for the tabs of songs that you want to learn how to play. Now when I want to get laid while playing my Google SN (Super Nerd) guitar, I can search for the tab for Wonderwall by Oasis and cause bodily fluids to be exerted.

Garmin could create a guitar with a built-in GPS system that can tell you your exact location and which songs were written in your near vicinity. Strangely, your Garmin FuckTomTomocaster has discovered that "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" ~ Right Said Fred was actually written in your basement. I know it's kind of creepy, but I guess someone was too sexy for their shirt in your house. I'm not gonna name names but I think it was probably Steve.

Lastly, Microsoft would of course make a knockoff guitar that featured an attempted (and failed) smaller feature of the other companies built-in that would seldom work. For example, the messaging system needs to check for updates, the search engine only finds speeches from Bill Gates, and the GPS always tells you to go up. I don't know why up. It's hard to go straight up from most places if you don't have a ladder. Lastly, the Microsoft Squire guitar would need constant patches for a self-deteriorating wood that it's made from. The Microsoft Squire will also be the cheapest guitar, so beginners will buy it as a shitty practice guitar.

But of course the best guitar would be made by the Sharper Image. Cuz no shit. Best stuff is from the Sharper Image. It will have alien technology and nanomachines and it will cure cancer, swine flu, the bad economy, and my lack of love life with one strum of its superfibrosis coated steel strings. I really want to play Cowboys from Hell on that guitar. Epic.

I'm Making Up a Poem

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Make Some Noise for Darfur!

Let's cut the context.* Last night I was reminiscing about my high school years. The first time I had heard about Darfur was from a bunch of colorful stickers stuck all over the walls of the penitentiary. The stickers merely said, "Make Some Noise for Darfur." Not knowing at all that Darfur is a region in Africa and there is a terrible genocide occurring, I thought that Darfur was a heavy metal band. I've heard of making noise for the local sports team or for a performing musician, but never have I heard of making noise to help an oppressed region across the world. Although I take the genocide itself seriously, I have to question the mental acumen put into stickers that would much more appropriately be screamed by an enthusiastic announcer at a rock show.

Although many people are actively supporting the people in Darfur, there are many people who only claim to want to "save Darfur." The people I speak of are the people who see Darfur as being trendy to mourn and they are the people that make Darfur almost seem like a joke. I won't deny that I own and regularly wear a shirt that has the phrase "Save Darfur" inside the outline of a whale. I do this because it is pointing out the ignorance of my fellow 'murkans who don't know anything about Darfur yet treat it as if it personally affects their own life. In addition, many of these Darfur supporters can't locate Darfur on a map.

What the world really needs is not for noise to be made. Noise is vague enough that it can include beautiful music, begrudged moaning, voice-cracking whiny teenagers, and empty and meaningless screams. What Darfur really needs is dedicated, knowledgable supporters who know exactly what the conflict is, where it is occurring, and have a chance of helping the people who are suffering constantly. We do need to save Darfur, not just say we should. Actions speak louder than words.

*The context to me thinking about Darfur was the legendary comedy of the bright up-and-coming new comedian RAAAAAAAANDY!