A Loving Tribute to Jek Porkins

It was brought to my attention that there is a man who was killed long before his prime. His memory was lost amidst space battles, quirky aliens, and an endearingly incestual tale of love and freedom. I speak of course, of the brave X-Wing fighter pilot, Jek Porkins.

Porkins, although in the movie for only a mere 15 seconds is a beloved and valiant warrior whose spirit will live on through the legacy of Luke Skywalker. Without the undying (or rather the dying) courage of Porkins, Skywalker's mission to destroy the Death Star very well may have been foiled.

Porkins, being the obese man that he was, didn't care for the derrogatory nickname, but he claimed "It has a nice ring to it and it kinda stuck." Porkins's wife, Josefatty, claimed that Porkins was very concerned about this mission and told her that if he didn't return to give herself twice as much dinner for the both of them. Truly an honorable gesture.

It has been deduced that Porkins knew all along of his inability to eject from his X-Wing fighter. The button to eject was located in between fat rolls #4 and 5. With this button so completely covered by his fleshy self, Porkins tried a maneuver to avoid ejecting at his own embarrassment. To his utter surprise and horror, Porkins was shot at and inevitably destroyed.

Let it be known from now on that July 3 will be forever remembered as Jek Porkins Day. A day in which American soldiers both fat and skinny, on earth or in space are honored for their bravery, their patriotism, and their Americanism. Porkins was not just a man, but rather a symbol of 'murka as a whole. It is sad to mourn the untimely death of such a noble soldier, but it is certain that he flies X-Wings in Heaven knowing that he helped to temporarily destroy Luke's daddy's evil lair. God Bless 'murka