Flan

For those of you who know about this most exquisite of desserts, you would be in luck. If you don't, get with it because this shit is delicious. When writing a rather excessive birthday greeting to a friend of mine, I came to realize that my subconscious mind was craving flan. It may be strange that I can't even remember what flan tastes like, but the thought of this squishy morsel was enough to electrify my hunger.

So what did I do to quench this food thirst? I wrote about how flan can be a metaphor for life. As with most rewarding things in life, it takes a generous combination of loving care and hard work to make something beautiful. For the most part it's good to at least somewhat follow a recipe, but in order for society to progress, we must deviate from the accepted ideals and experiment with new ingredients (except meat. That was the Dark Ages of flan and I wish that it could be forgotten. But obviously me telling you about savory flan won't do anyone any good in the forgetting of such a horrid occasion in history) to change the future.

Although flan is a Hispanic dish, no one claims that they dislike the beautiful gelatin-like thing because they don't speak Spanish. Flan, much like the word "no," is very universal in its spreading of joy and delight. Flan is most definitely the only way to create peace among all people in the world. That and bringing back dinosaurs. Believe me, dinosaurs re-existing would totally make me hug an Asian chick.

Lastly, flan is nothing (if taken literally, this is false) without the caramel sauce poured on top. This delightful topping is the one most varied ingredient among recipes of flan and it represents delectable additions or toppings that we can add to spice up our lives. Whatever we feel passionate about is what we should top ourselves with, much like flan. Whether it be guitars, Ryan Reynolds, teddy bears, or even flan, we must surround ourselves with what we love to be happy sons of bitches.

And you eat it and it is delicious and it is an orgazm* in one's mouth.

*Orgazm - n. - a sudden or unexpected orgasm; a spasm orgasm

P.S. The flan in this picture totally looks like Saturn!

Random Music Can Obviously Tell the Future

So after all of these silly "put your iTunes on random and answering questions about yourself," I decided to put a little spin on the game. I'm going to put my library on random and take the first line of the song's chorus (given it has one) and try to make a paragraph and see how accurate it is. It'll probably suck, but maybe it'll catch on and I'll make millions. [Note to self: add this to the get rich quick schemes.]

"Well, I'm waiting patiently and I'll wait for the sign. 'Cause I'm T.N.T., I'm dynamite (T.N.T.) and I'll win the fight. I see your face with every push it take and every bone I break, it's all for you. The comfort that you will find, as you remain hidden, the light betrays. Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Count the headlights on the highway. Like a Boss. And then I looked up and I could see, all the ways that gravity turns for you and me. Come together, right now, over me. War, children, it's just a shot away, it's just a shot away. A kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice... it's very very nice. And a man in the back said everyone attack and it turned into a ballroom blitz. When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand. Twisting and changing, no lack of emotion, ripples in time, swift as the ocean. But you wanna be bad, just beat it, beat it, beat it, no one wants to be defeated. 'Cause they know who is righteous, what is bold, so I'm told. Do you love me now that I can dance? I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life."

iPhone's Auto-correct Deserves its Own Article

I'm going to start out and say that I love my iPhone like the brother I never had. I mean we do get in fights and have a sort of sibling rivalry for the love of the parents, but in general it's all good and clean-natured tom-foolery. Like a little brother, I treat my iPhone with a fragile and gentle touch because I'm afraid to break it and I haven't bought a warranty yet. With such fantastic features on the iPhone, despite the voice activation thinking I'm some kind of dirty foreigner, the one feature that tends to keep plaguing me is the auto-correct feature.

Now don't get me wrong, auto-correct is a handy feature on such a fickle digital keyboard, but I think the people at Apple should consider an experiment of getting a life before programming what the phone thinks you wanted to type. A phrase known by all text linguistic enthusiasts is the phrase "OMG" translated to "Oh my God" (or goodness if such "swearing" offends you). When I attempted to type said phrase to a friend in a text message, the auto-correct changed the phrase to say "IMF." I don't have any idea what IMF* means and nor did my confused friend. In a fit of confusion and self-doubt and loathing, my friend texted back "IMF...?" And that was the end of a long and strong friendship.

Another example of such treacherous spell checking was when I was trying to text a friend saying "Have fun skiing in Tahoe." To my dismay, the auto-correct on my phone translated this simple well-wishing to say "Have fun skiing in table." My other friend, confused at the remark thought that I was referring to a buffet and got offended, claiming I was calling her fat. In response, I said "IMF! I totally didn't mean to offend you." Luckily, the phone seems to be keen in the skill of adaptation and has redeemed itself for it's unforgivable follies. More on this story as it develops.

And Hawaii's fun.

*IMF is an acronym for the International Monetary Fund. Seriously, Apple, I would rather convey my feelings of astoundment than refer to the International Monetary Fund. (looked up 8/10/09)

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN - The Undead Album Will Be the Most Epic Album of Music Ever Conceived

Mr. Hayden Dingman and myself have decided to embark upon a valiant and noble quest. We, together, will write the first concept album, telling the story about zombies. The idea was first derived from myself trying to think of a good title for a song about zombies. My original ideas were "How to Kill a Zombie," "SuberFabZombBomb," and "Only Some Zombies Are Dicks." Upon hearing "Only Some Zombies Are Dicks," Dingman was truly inspired. I also suggested that with so many song ideas contributed by friends, that the creation of an entire zombie album should occur. Hayden Dingman agreed to be the co-author of... "The Undead Album."

The album will be 13 songs long of a continuous story of a boy who loves a girl. Soon after, zombies invade their town and they hide in his house. After some time, the boy realizes that he must venture out to get supplies. On his daring quest, the boy becomes bitten and is transformed into a zombie. When he returns, a manly zombie killer has "saved" the girl and the boy after joining the hoard of zombies learns that he loves his girl more than anything and he needs to fight back to win her love. This will be the chart topping record for the ages. It's epicness will be the stuff of legend.

God Bless 'murka

I, my good people, am an American citizen. Although many of you have mistaken me for a 70's porn star Mexican pedophile (with a moustache), I am in all reality none of those things. Except for maybe someday I might work in porn. I'm not saying that I want it to be my job to work on a movie set and go by the name of Rocky Shadowcock, but I'm just willing to accept inevitability for a budding film kid. I was born in San Francisco, proudly, and I'm glad to be a person living in this fine nation.

'murka, you are a grand piece of land with your marigold waves of grain and mauve mountains majesty, but I think it's very ignorant for people to say "Happy Birthday" to you. Nothing against you, of course, 'murka, but you existed as a land far before July 4, 1776. You were the home of the Native Americans, which is a terrible name for them because they were labeled "natives" of their own country, but referred to by the name we gave it. Although the possibility does exist that July 4 is coincidentally your legitimate birthday, countries are also not birthed, but rather formed.

This then creates the question, how were the continents formed. This question leads into the endless debate about the creation of the world; Creationist theory versus the Big Bang Theory. My personal theory to create a trifecta of knowledge and awesomeness is the Magic Theory. Yes, the world and the universe was created with magic. I think that either way, we can agree that your formation date, 'murka, was one of vast importance and we only wish we could know the day in which to celebrate. The British colonists signing the Declaration of Independence was merely the equivalent of a right of passage such as a Baptism, Losing One's Virginity, or a Bar Mitzvah.

I hereby claim that since July 4th was a holiday based on signing an old document (over 200 years, no less), that we rename the holiday. Since the ideals of American patriotism and big bangs (courtesy of fireworks and other possible endeavors) embody the national holiday, it seems only fitting to rename this landmark day "Michael Bay Day." Happy 4th of July everyone!

A Loving Tribute to Jek Porkins

It was brought to my attention that there is a man who was killed long before his prime. His memory was lost amidst space battles, quirky aliens, and an endearingly incestual tale of love and freedom. I speak of course, of the brave X-Wing fighter pilot, Jek Porkins.

Porkins, although in the movie for only a mere 15 seconds is a beloved and valiant warrior whose spirit will live on through the legacy of Luke Skywalker. Without the undying (or rather the dying) courage of Porkins, Skywalker's mission to destroy the Death Star very well may have been foiled.

Porkins, being the obese man that he was, didn't care for the derrogatory nickname, but he claimed "It has a nice ring to it and it kinda stuck." Porkins's wife, Josefatty, claimed that Porkins was very concerned about this mission and told her that if he didn't return to give herself twice as much dinner for the both of them. Truly an honorable gesture.

It has been deduced that Porkins knew all along of his inability to eject from his X-Wing fighter. The button to eject was located in between fat rolls #4 and 5. With this button so completely covered by his fleshy self, Porkins tried a maneuver to avoid ejecting at his own embarrassment. To his utter surprise and horror, Porkins was shot at and inevitably destroyed.

Let it be known from now on that July 3 will be forever remembered as Jek Porkins Day. A day in which American soldiers both fat and skinny, on earth or in space are honored for their bravery, their patriotism, and their Americanism. Porkins was not just a man, but rather a symbol of 'murka as a whole. It is sad to mourn the untimely death of such a noble soldier, but it is certain that he flies X-Wings in Heaven knowing that he helped to temporarily destroy Luke's daddy's evil lair. God Bless 'murka