A Script for a New Super Weight Loss Diet!

Hi, Billy Mays here, and boy do I have a weight loss solution for YOU! Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, puddle of oil, or that special ladyfriend's eyes and thought, holy shit, I am one ugly motherfucker? Well, I haven't, but so many other people have!

If you can describe your amorphous appearance as chunky, bulgy, flabby, flappy, fluffy, obese, thick, or hippo, then you MUST try The Allergen Diet. This diet isn't like other bullshit diets that limit the food you can eat or only make you lose weight temporarily! The Allergen Diet sheds weight LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and keeps THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF!

All you have to do on the Allergen Diet is find something you are near* deadly allergic to, embrace that allergen, and let the weight loss come to you... or leave you, if you know what I mean. But don't trust just me. Hear some of our testimonials, "... the diet was really... [great]..." Wow!

To join the Allergen Diet, just have an allergic reaction! It's just that simple. The Allergen Diet is sweeping the nation and is becoming the world's most popular diet (except for the Black Plague, of course). To order supplies to induce an allergic reaction in YOUR HOME, call 1-800-W-A-I-T-L-O-S. If you want to see results now and aren't too scared to face your fears, start the Allergen Diet TODAY!

Mother Says Turn It Down

If you haven't seen the trailer for the new horror/thriller movie, "The Stepfather," you are truly missing out on a phenomenal film trailer. Not only does the trailer contain ridiculously attractive chicks and TERROR, it contains possibly the single greatest line in the history of trailers.

This under appreciated gem of a teaser was brought to my attention by Eileen Daley, who shared such a visual masterpiece in hopes of endearing me to want to see said film. Upon watching the trailer, I thought to myself, "This is a very high production joke trailer." True to the horrific genre of the film, I soon learned that the movie was real. The line that made me knew it was my destiny to see the movie with her was a very special moment in the trailer.

The youngest son of the family is playing Playstation 3 innocently. The only crime he was guilty of was perhaps exercising the speakers of his television slightly too excessively. Maybe the boy was merely appreciating the audio design of a game he loved, but nonetheless, his mother called out from the kitchen (of course), "John, turn that down." Almost immediately, his malicious step father lunges at him, grabs and crushes his controller ($50 killed), and barks, "Mother said TURN IT DOWN!" Amidst the horror of experiencing such a scene, I giggled quite profusely at the intensity of controlling the decibels of a video game.

Nonetheless, Eileen won tickets to see the Stepfather at the Arclight theater in Los Angeles this Thursday at midnight. The most horrifying thing about this movie is that after it finishes, we have to drive back to Orange, wait until 4:45 and then drive back to L.A. for a 12 hour day of filming. Although the circumstances will contain fewer buzzsaws, scantily clad bimbas (female bimbo), and murderous stepfathers, I believe that my morning and day after will be much more terrifying than this movie. God help us all.

Contact Lenses and the Mystery of So Cal

I just wanted people to know who didn't know that I have shitty vision. When I say I have shitty vision, imagine a steaming pile of shit and then imagine that it looks like an extremely blurry brown thing. That is what I would see if there was indeed a hypothetical pile of shit lying in front of us. I have measured my nearsightedness to go as far as my hand is long. Meaning, without corrective substances (lenses) I can't see fucking anything.

With that context aside, people who wear contacts are very aware that you are supposed to take them out habitually each night, clean them, put them in cases, then use saline solution to rinse them and put them back in the next morning. (That's what she said.) When I am in Nor Cal, there is so much NATURE and GREENERY that I am always suffering horrific allergies and naturally must take out my contacts every day. When I am in So Cal, I NEVER need to take out my contacts. It is a mystery that I have yet to solve.

To put it into perspective, I arrived in So Cal around August 25. Today is October 6. I haven't taken out my contacts since I've been here. To answer your questions, no my eyes don't get irritated, yes it is probably terrible for my eyes and fuck, I have no idea why. No matter the reason, it cuts my cost of saline solution down significantly and it gives me a false sense of having good vision when I wake up in the morning.

My theory is that So Cal's smog has mutated my eyeball genetics to the point of making my eyes naturally moist enough to endure a night's sleeping and drying. Another theory is that the evil producers in Hollywood make nightly rounds to Orange County and magically lubricate my eyeballs with magical moistification beams. Nonetheless, some mystical force (perhaps caused by the ghost of Billy Mays and his eternal persuasion) has caused my allergies to evaporate, vaporize, disintegrate, etc. Despite all of these chaos theories, thank you So Cal for making me feel like I am not a near-blind crip-o.

Tip of the Day #3

You know you're girlfriend is a "keeper" when her name in its entirety is a pun. For example, by personal experience, *ahem* Eileen Daley = I lean daily.